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Good For Nothing…

8 Sep

We do things for people for one of many reasons; We are payed, we love them, we want to, we are called upon to do so… You get the point.

What about doing things out of guilt, where does that fit in? Are they as significant as all the others, or more like the step-child of the “Good For Nothing”.

A “Good For Nothing” is something you do, maybe, without anyone knowing or without any unnecessary advertising. You just do it because it feels good… To you.

During my Summer in rehab, GFN’s were encouraged and even became a game. You would wait for folks to do their laundry so you could fold it when they weren’t watching.

Clean the kitchen while the person in charge was still eating or make your roommates bed while they were in the bathroom… Get the point?

Why did this come to my mind? I was watching the movie “Seven Pounds” with Will Smith and it occurred to me that we don’t hear about those kind of things very often…

Then again why should or could we if they are meant to be “Good For Nothing” (insert small chuckle here).

So give it a try, do something for someone without them knowing you did it. Start small, it takes practice.

Like what? Well, you know that lady down the street that is always having a hard time, leave a $20 gift card to the grocery store in her mail box. While the old man next door is out, mow his lawn. Pay for an extra cup of coffee for person behind you in line.

You don’t have to go too far, someone in your family needs a hand and is too proud to ask, well don’t tell!

So go now, my Good For Nothing Soldiers and be Good For Nothing!!!

Peace of Mind… Priceless…

23 Aug

There were too many days, too many months in the last year where I was broken-down. No money for gas, barely for food and not enough to lift my spirits.

Nights worrying about tomorrow, endless nights with no sleep and countless days sleeping from exhaustion. Things were not going according to my plan.

Then one day I got on my knees again, I had stopped praying on my knees, because I thought that my relationship with God had gotten on a first name basis.

I realized that although he loves me and his light goes with me where ever I go. I must offer him the respect He deserves. I must be humble before God.

My life turned around and now I sleep at night and live during the day. As it should be, as it should be…

There is no lesson or hard love story here, just that fact that I learned that when I am living under God’s light I will not get the benefits if I sitting next to Him.

I guess that makes sense why we say, “… One nation under God…”.  I pay attention!

Ate, Prayed, Loved…

18 Aug

So I got to go to the movies today and watched, you guessed it, “Eat Pray Love”. The tale of a woman caught in a relationship that is not fulfilling with a man that doesn’t know his way through life.

She decides to venture overseas and find herself. Through the help of good food in Italy, prayer in India, and love in Bali she realizes that it has to start with self-love… And 20 pounds extra.

This is something that I have stated several times to friends, no I didn’t record it or have proof, but I said it. It has to start with me, for me, by me.

If I don’t like myself why should anyone else? If I can’t stand to be alone how dare I ask anyone else to spend time with me? More important if I can’t love myself… You get the point… Right?

So for those of us that can’t spend the money to go on a year journey around the world, here is what I did. A big bowl of pasta with some tomato sauce. This will make you so full that you will take a nap and get to spend some time with yourself.

Pray everyday, not just in the morning but whenever you feel the need. But not just for you pass it around. Everyone needs a little help in the prayer department, God’s lines don’t get blocked.

Love… Now that’s the hard one, start with ‘I love you’ to the man in the mirror (me channeling Michael Jackson). Take yourself out on a date, and if you’re lucky you can feel yourself-up at the end of the night, my favorite part!!!

When you start producing all this positive energy you will attract positive people and then, I almost guarantee it, you will start to be happy… Hey, it worked for me and now for Julia Roberts.

Invest In People…

17 Aug

I have invested in Pre-Paid Legal, it’s made me some money. Invested in acting classes, it’s gotten me some work. Invested in clothes for work, it made look professional and got me more work.

Now I’m investing in my friends. Yeah, I was nice to my friends before. Well, kinda… When I was using & drinking it was a different kind of investment. I wanted to make sure I got invited to parties.

Then I came into Recovery and didn’t have nasty thought to share, I was that poor. I started working more and made enough to carry me, almost. Then made a little more, enough for a burger out.

Yeah, there was a time when In-N-Out Burgers once a month was a treat. I would cut it in half and make two meals out of it.

I’m not talking about financial investment in people, not like a pimp or slavery. Spiritual investment, the pay-it-forward kind. Someone did for me when they could, now I do for you cause I can.

Try it… It makes a meal so much more special and the laughs last longer. The return on that are great memories. If you need a broker let me know.

With God On My Side…

15 Aug

There was a time in my life when I did things with full consideration of my family and friends. The partner I was with, my boss. I wasn’t happy because it wasn’t what I wanted to do, good or bad.

God came into my life and reminded me that it’s my life and only he can judge it, edit it, rewrite it. He has full directorial control. He hires the actors that join in me and fires the unwanted ones.

I believe that now, I feel it in my heart, I trust it. I must do things that will make me happy in the end. Because in the end I can trust Him and me. Everyone else has their own lives to live.

I guess that’s why rich or poor, alone or in a crowded room, I am happy!

Who Needs Friends…

23 Jun

One of the first things you learn in Recovery is that the world does not revolve around you. You are not the center of the Universe. Put yourself in the other person’s  place. Underneath the anger is fear. Fear makes us react in weird ways. Never speak when you are scared.

Well, that was more true this weekend. I recently made friends with someone I heard speak about 2 years ago in San Francisco. His story really inspired me and motivated me to continue with my Recovery. I found him on Facebook through a mutual friend.

We laughed and he was so fun. We talked and he made me think. We joked and it felt so natural. But then Monday came and I was out celebrating my 3rd AA birthday. He was persistent that I go and take a cake at a meeting. I didn’t want to, but was willing to go for him.

Well, my day got long and time ran out and it was cutting it short. I failed to call and check in or give my ETA. He didn’t like the idea that I didn’t call and felt that I treated him badly. That no friend treats another that way and therefore I was not a friend.

The last text read, “Fuck Off!”. So I did. Now I feel broken, there is something missing in the day. But does it really surprise me that he got so mad. I saw it coming on Saturday when I was also running late and he exploded. Pattern, maybe. But on who’s side?

I have thought myself as a giving, punctual, responsible person. In this case and with the same person it happened twice that I was not. And this time it backfired. And it hurts! Now I lost my friend and some self-esteem. Is that part natural?

I still think that I apologized to the best of my ability and things did not have to go that far. But if all is for a reason then maybe it was time to loose this friend. Maybe I would lose my Recovery time or he would. Maybe we would end up hurting each other.

Maybe we will meet again. I don’t know. I just know that right now, at this moment, as I’m writing… I’m hurting and hurts like hell!!!

Over the Terrible Twos…

19 Jun

My third AA birthday is just around the corner, today is Saturday and it’s on Monday. I find myself have some Chamomile tea and listening to the ‘Romances’ channel on my TV. There are songs that I know and some new surprises. They are all romantic and sad and happy and…

On the verge of hitting a milestone in my life. I have not been sober for 3 years since I started drinking. I started drinking when I was about 15. I mean professionally, not like my dad gave me a beer at a party or a sip of champagne on New Years.

I started my career as a professional drinker at 15 and didn’t really look back. I had artistic friends, older lovers, a fridge at home with liquor, a party to go to… You get the point. Always alcohol around. No wonder my mind was clouded for so long.

Do the math, I’m 39 now, minus 15 when I started drinking… Pencils down… 24 years drinking… It makes me cry and very sad as I type that. How could I have been so cruel to that kid of  15. He didn’t stand a chance against the elements. I pushed him into the lions den, locked it, and walked away.

How could he take care of himself? Is there any wonder relationships were so tarnished and love was misunderstood. I allowed folks to take advantage of him and push him around. His innocence was offered to the gods before he had a chance to enjoy it.

I have to apologize to Me… I’m sorry that I didn’t know any better and allowed you to drink. I’m sorry that I convinced you that love would be found in a bar, at a bottom of a glass, when the bottles were empty. I’m sorry that I allowed men with low scruples abuse you.

I’m sorry.

You just wanted someone to understand you and love you and explain the world. You got drunks and sex and loneliness and tears and hurt. All the hurt your young heart had to go through. I’m sorry. But now you have a chance to find it.

Don’t think that your whole life will have to live by those standards. You have a chance now to show yourself how much love there is out there. More important how much love there is within you. How much you have to give. That the person receiving it is fortunate to be there.

I’m sorry, kid… I’m so sorry.