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Good For Nothing…

8 Sep

We do things for people for one of many reasons; We are payed, we love them, we want to, we are called upon to do so… You get the point.

What about doing things out of guilt, where does that fit in? Are they as significant as all the others, or more like the step-child of the “Good For Nothing”.

A “Good For Nothing” is something you do, maybe, without anyone knowing or without any unnecessary advertising. You just do it because it feels good… To you.

During my Summer in rehab, GFN’s were encouraged and even became a game. You would wait for folks to do their laundry so you could fold it when they weren’t watching.

Clean the kitchen while the person in charge was still eating or make your roommates bed while they were in the bathroom… Get the point?

Why did this come to my mind? I was watching the movie “Seven Pounds” with Will Smith and it occurred to me that we don’t hear about those kind of things very often…

Then again why should or could we if they are meant to be “Good For Nothing” (insert small chuckle here).

So give it a try, do something for someone without them knowing you did it. Start small, it takes practice.

Like what? Well, you know that lady down the street that is always having a hard time, leave a $20 gift card to the grocery store in her mail box. While the old man next door is out, mow his lawn. Pay for an extra cup of coffee for person behind you in line.

You don’t have to go too far, someone in your family needs a hand and is too proud to ask, well don’t tell!

So go now, my Good For Nothing Soldiers and be Good For Nothing!!!

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Good Morning Mom & Dad…

6 Sep

This morning I woke up quite early. The memory of yesterday still playing in my head. There was a great day of rehearsal. A call for a part.  A chance to talk to this guy I like.

There are so many great things going on, well I guess there is always great stuff going on in my life, some shape or form. But this was great all around.

Now, anyone that knows me knows I’m not a rich man, but I get by okay. I’m not a great looking man, but I clean-up nice. I’m not the greatest actor, but I can hold my own.

I may not even be the best friend a best friend deserves, but I’m there. Probably, and you’d have to ask my Exes, better yet don’t ask them anything… Ha!

But today, this morning, God bless, everything feels right. My bills are paid and I still have some money left. Well, except for Harvey, my car. Working on that one.

So I felt the urge to call my Mom & Dad and tell them about all that is going on. But… I always had a better connection with my mother, and want to get her on the phone and just tell her what’s going on.

Of course the gloomy morning doesn’t help, or the sad songs I’m listening to. But I want to know that my Mom is proud of me, not by other people, by her.

I wonder what’s the last memory she has of us together. Was it a time when I was a kid and didn’t know any better. Was it a drunk moment, when I didn’t know better.

Was it the last time we shared a cup of coffee and a cigarette… When her mind clears up, does she remember the last time I told her I loved her.

Cause I’m thinking of her now and it breaks my heart not to be sharing with her. So I ask God, if you can get a message to my parents… Good Morning, Mom & Dad.

Mom's Birthday

Lines Across My Face…

21 Aug

One of my favorite songs, as an adult is; Brandi Carlile’s – The Story. The first line in the song goes, “All of these lines across my face tell you the story of who I am”.

Well, let me tell you my face is pretty smooth, so you have to read between the lines. Ha! But how true that when I see myself in the mirror I fell bad for all the crap I put myself through.

“Because even when I was flat broke you made me feel like a million bucks”… That line I say to God. Even when things seemed at their worst, he was there and made things better. Somehow!

“And all of my friends who think that I’m blessed they don’t know my head is a mess”… I wonder if my family and friends really will ever know what a ride my life has been.

There is drugs, alcohol, shady activities, shady friends, anonymous sex, sex for pay, long nights and lost days. I wonder if when they look at my face the story is there?

“So many stories of where I’ve been and how I got to where I am”… That is towards the end of the song and let me tell you it’s the best part of the song and my life. Cause I have to look at where I am now.

I like the new chapters that are written on my face!

Invest In People…

17 Aug

I have invested in Pre-Paid Legal, it’s made me some money. Invested in acting classes, it’s gotten me some work. Invested in clothes for work, it made look professional and got me more work.

Now I’m investing in my friends. Yeah, I was nice to my friends before. Well, kinda… When I was using & drinking it was a different kind of investment. I wanted to make sure I got invited to parties.

Then I came into Recovery and didn’t have nasty thought to share, I was that poor. I started working more and made enough to carry me, almost. Then made a little more, enough for a burger out.

Yeah, there was a time when In-N-Out Burgers once a month was a treat. I would cut it in half and make two meals out of it.

I’m not talking about financial investment in people, not like a pimp or slavery. Spiritual investment, the pay-it-forward kind. Someone did for me when they could, now I do for you cause I can.

Try it… It makes a meal so much more special and the laughs last longer. The return on that are great memories. If you need a broker let me know.

Similarities

14 Jun

I have learned in AA that you have to start by assessing the similarities. With this you can develop trust and with trust honesty and with honesty all walls can be broken. I had to be honest with myself first in order to be honest with those around me. Trust me I have a hard time with that one.

So here goes… I was born on December 26, 1970 in Monterrey, Nuevo Leon, Mexico. My mother is Mexican and my father American. I only remember my paternal-grandfather. My maternal-grandmother died when my mother was very young. She was raised by members of the family.

My paternal-grandparents died before I was 2 years old. I don’t remember much about them other than the fact that they lived across the street from a candy stand. They would sell these yummy red lollipops that I remember eating. You can only find them in Mexico and to this date I love them!

I have 2 older sisters; the oldest 21 years older than me. The younger is 9 years older. Why is this odd? Because most of my aunts and uncles have large families, we didn’t. One uncle blames it on the fact that my parents had a TV early on. Honestly my father traveled for work a lot.

I am the baby and the only male. I think there are a lot of expectations placed on a child with those titles. I don’t think my father expected too much other than me being a man with a family and a good job. Better life than he had and not bust my hump. I still feel like I fell short.

My dad is someone to look up to, in some ways. Has he been the best? Well, no, but he did the best he could and I’m grateful. Now. Years ago I still blamed him for everything… Even Global Warming! But I have learned to recognize his limitations and how they affected me.

My mother is and for ever will be my hero. She worked hard and blamed herself for a lot of the things that her kids went through. She fought hard to not enjoy life too much so that the disappointment wasn’t so great. Think about it loosing your mom early in life.

She taught me about hard work and guilt. He we are a Hispanic-Catholic family. Pretty much synonymous with guilt. But she also taught me how to accept things for what they are. How to limit my dreams. How to handle my dad. Deal with my sisters. Be a man.

My sisters are very different. 9 kids between the 2 and I saw most of them grow-up. Heck I changed the diapers on some of them. Played with most of them and felt like a big brother to the older 3. They never called me ‘uncle’. Yeah, sometimes it bothered me.

But it was babysitting them early on in life that made me want kids. A feeling I still have. I’ll be 40 this year and I want a child. Someone need to find the remote, right? I want to teach him/her everything I learned in life and, yeah okay, get the remote!

So there you have the basics of me. I’ll go through the formative years and how they affected who I am now. All of it, no holding back. Relationships, drugs, alcohol, sex… Really, all of it. So I leave you for now with this. ‘I didn’t pick my family and I wouldn’t trade them. The crazy of them is making me sane today!’