Over the Terrible Twos…

19 Jun

My third AA birthday is just around the corner, today is Saturday and it’s on Monday. I find myself have some Chamomile tea and listening to the ‘Romances’ channel on my TV. There are songs that I know and some new surprises. They are all romantic and sad and happy and…

On the verge of hitting a milestone in my life. I have not been sober for 3 years since I started drinking. I started drinking when I was about 15. I mean professionally, not like my dad gave me a beer at a party or a sip of champagne on New Years.

I started my career as a professional drinker at 15 and didn’t really look back. I had artistic friends, older lovers, a fridge at home with liquor, a party to go to… You get the point. Always alcohol around. No wonder my mind was clouded for so long.

Do the math, I’m 39 now, minus 15 when I started drinking… Pencils down… 24 years drinking… It makes me cry and very sad as I type that. How could I have been so cruel to that kid of  15. He didn’t stand a chance against the elements. I pushed him into the lions den, locked it, and walked away.

How could he take care of himself? Is there any wonder relationships were so tarnished and love was misunderstood. I allowed folks to take advantage of him and push him around. His innocence was offered to the gods before he had a chance to enjoy it.

I have to apologize to Me… I’m sorry that I didn’t know any better and allowed you to drink. I’m sorry that I convinced you that love would be found in a bar, at a bottom of a glass, when the bottles were empty. I’m sorry that I allowed men with low scruples abuse you.

I’m sorry.

You just wanted someone to understand you and love you and explain the world. You got drunks and sex and loneliness and tears and hurt. All the hurt your young heart had to go through. I’m sorry. But now you have a chance to find it.

Don’t think that your whole life will have to live by those standards. You have a chance now to show yourself how much love there is out there. More important how much love there is within you. How much you have to give. That the person receiving it is fortunate to be there.

I’m sorry, kid… I’m so sorry.


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