One of the first things you learn in Recovery is that the world does not revolve around you. You are not the center of the Universe. Put yourself in the other person’s place. Underneath the anger is fear. Fear makes us react in weird ways. Never speak when you are scared.
Well, that was more true this weekend. I recently made friends with someone I heard speak about 2 years ago in San Francisco. His story really inspired me and motivated me to continue with my Recovery. I found him on Facebook through a mutual friend.
We laughed and he was so fun. We talked and he made me think. We joked and it felt so natural. But then Monday came and I was out celebrating my 3rd AA birthday. He was persistent that I go and take a cake at a meeting. I didn’t want to, but was willing to go for him.
Well, my day got long and time ran out and it was cutting it short. I failed to call and check in or give my ETA. He didn’t like the idea that I didn’t call and felt that I treated him badly. That no friend treats another that way and therefore I was not a friend.
The last text read, “Fuck Off!”. So I did. Now I feel broken, there is something missing in the day. But does it really surprise me that he got so mad. I saw it coming on Saturday when I was also running late and he exploded. Pattern, maybe. But on who’s side?
I have thought myself as a giving, punctual, responsible person. In this case and with the same person it happened twice that I was not. And this time it backfired. And it hurts! Now I lost my friend and some self-esteem. Is that part natural?
I still think that I apologized to the best of my ability and things did not have to go that far. But if all is for a reason then maybe it was time to loose this friend. Maybe I would lose my Recovery time or he would. Maybe we would end up hurting each other.
Maybe we will meet again. I don’t know. I just know that right now, at this moment, as I’m writing… I’m hurting and hurts like hell!!!